sharing

I have been without my computer for 13 days. And while I malign my computer almost constantly, I am beginning to get a little panicky without it. I am also getting mightily sick of having to share computer time with other people at work and at home.

I don't want to share.

Reading that last sentence makes me laugh and cringe at the same time. I say, "You need to share," about a dozen times a day as one twin grapples with his brother over the object of affection. And about 24 times a day I hear, "I don't want to share!"

Having to share computer time has brought home the reality that my twins live with daily: sharing sucks. Sharing not only requires kindness, trust, and a generous spirit, it also requires patience. While I believe myself fairly kind, and rather generous, I am not patient.

I hate waiting.

I hate waiting and I hate feeling like someone is waiting on me. I get anxious when I feel as though I am impinging on another person's time (I know how much I resent it when someone is impinging on mine).

Consequently, I am always surprised, when people respond graciously when I'm late or pushing a deadline. This unexpected graciousness reminds me that sharing means more taking turns. Sharing is about giving yourself: accepting inconvenience, sacrificing expedience, and living grace.

As much as I want my kids to take turns, I want them to know and to live and to walk in grace even more. Which is all the more reason for me to seize the opportunity provided by my sick computer. If I can learn how to really share, there may be hope for the twins.

contentment

"for I have learned to be content with whatever I have. I know what it is to have little and I know what it is to have plenty. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being well-fed and going hungry, of having plenty and being in need." Philippians 4:11b-12

I want to know the secret. I want to know how to be content. There is so much chaos in my life these days, I'm not sure I'd know contentment if it bit me. There is work chaos and the usual chaos of having six people in a house. There is financial chaos at work (dealing with a budget deficit) and at home (having gone from having two incomes to one). It seems like I spend most of my time trying to hold back the tide of overwhelm.

I am learning how to go without a great many things in my personal life. Things that were once a part of our regular routines, have become special treats. Things that I thought we had to have, are being put off.

I have managed to weather the cuts a work in staff in time. I have tried to approach all of these cuts with a practical mindedness and stoicism: it is what it is.

I thought I was doing fairly well until my computer crashed (curse you Vista!). This final privation was the proverbial straw. I was suddenly consumed with thoughts of all that I didn't have and couldn't do. I have awakened most mornings want to be somewhere, anywhere else, mentally, spiritually, physically....

When I find myself seeking escape from my life and vocation, I turn to Paul. While I disagree with him about a great many things, I always find him a source of encouragement. When I start asking myself, "What in the world are you doing and why?" Paul reminds me that the picture is bigger than the chaos I see now. Faith is trusting that God's grace really is sufficient and being satisfied.

Contentment is about finding satisfaction. My stoicism is not contentment; it is closer to resignation. Resignation is giving up, not finding satisfaction. When we are consumed by all the things we that we long for, satisfaction becomes increasingly hard to find. Reading Paul suggests that the secret to contentment lies in a willingness to live in the now.

When I am living in the future I am obsessed with what I want; when I am wandering around the past, I am grieving what I had and lost. In these states I cannot ever be satisfied with what I have now. Today: I have a job, my children are fed, my husband adores me, and we will make this month's mortgage. I even have access to a computer to write my blog. Now is not too bad.

I still hate Vista.

the 80/20 rule

Today I've been pondering the 80/20 rule. I don't know who made it up, or even where I heard it, but it is the principle that in relationship the best you can hope for is to have 80% of your needs met. The idea is that you can live with 20% crap and be ok.

I think I'm spoiled. I think 80% should be the minimum requirement. Admittedly, I scored in my marriage. I really like my husband (and the 10% of the time that he's driving me nuts doesn't seem to matter much). We have survived a lot together and I cannot imagine not sharing my life with him. I think this is why I have such high expectations in my other relationships.

I want to like my family, work and my friends. I want to enjoy the time spent, feel appreciated and learn in all aspects of my life. These great expectations have lended themselves to a lot of disappointment, and I sometimes think that I expect too much.

But I can't imagine that lowering my expectations would serve me better. Don't things generally live up to your lowest expectations? It is a quandry.