Thirteen years ago, when we were planning our wedding, my husband and I used to quote the bishop's sermon from the Princess Bride to one another. It always made us laugh and our laughter kept whatever craziness was threatening to undo us, recede.
If anyone had told me, back in the day that I would get married and stay married for 13 years, I would have certainly laughed. If they had said I would actually like being married, I would have laughed even harder. I, like many of my peers, come from a "divorced" home. And the people I knew of who stayed married, didn't seem to like each other very much. Most seemed to be biding time, waiting for the "death do us part" ticket to freedom. I didn't see very many happy people in marriages. And since marriage didn't seem like a whole lot of fun, I had resigned myself to being a divorcee (provided I could actually find someone I was willing to marry).
My negativity about marriage makes the last 13 years of my life somewhat miraculous. Not that it hasn't had its difficulties: 4 children (Lord, help us), job changes, building a house, job loss.... We've experienced tons of stress and stress makes us crazy and crazy people say/do crazy things. But, at the end of the day, we always conclude that joining our lives together was a good thing overall.
I'm not sure what marriage means in our society any more. There are lots of discussions about defining it (placing limits on who gets to "do it"). Most arguments seem me to use "God" language to justify the state's institution (let's keep our country and economy strong, by marrying people off). Or maybe marriage is the last gasp that keeps the institutional church in business (at least some people still envision their dream wedding in a church).
Neither of those options bode well for the future of marriage. If marriage is all about the tax breaks and the insurance benefits,or who does what with their "parts," I think it will certainly go the way of the dinosaurs. On the other hand, I don't know if the church really knows what marriage means, either. Jesus talks about marriage being something that lasts, but then says there is no marriage in heaven. If the covenant only lasts for this life, then my salvation isn't dependant on this worldly bond. So why do it? If marriage has meaning, its meaning must be in and for this world.
In the eight year journey that took my partner and me from meeting to marrying, we navigated a lot of detours and road blocks. We were blown off course, drifted apart and somehow found each other again. When we finally decided to marry, we spent our wedding planning haggling over the service: the words, the vows, the symbols and what each meant. We argued about the meaning of sacraments and community and covenant and blessing. My priest said we could write our own vows, if we could improve on the theology of the Book of Common Prayer. And being two seminary trained people we were sure that we could.
In the end, we were married by my priest in his Baptist church and we changed only one vow. Instead of "forsaking all others," we said, "never allowing any earthly relationship or covenant to take precedence over this one." He borrowed a tux, I bought my gown from a vintage clothing store. We spent most of what little money we had on our matching wedding rings, the band and the dance floor.
Having been married and done a number of weddings, I'm still not sure what institution of marriage means. All I know is that 13 years ago, we publicly declared a covenant to our friends, family and community of faith. It was an act of faith. Today I still live that covenant. I wouldn't call it perfect; I wouldn't even call it "happy." But it is pretty damned good. And it continues to be an act of faith.
If I could do it over again, I would make one other "improvement" to the BCP service. After the "I will," I would add, "with God's help." Even though we love each other and work hard to stay connected, marriage is hard. It is surely God's grace that has bonded us so well. Our faith is that God is with us: in, with and under our covenant.
Grace is the glue that holds us together. As much as we get on each other's nerves (still), grace allows us to delight in each other, encourage one another, and make space were we can be our hapless, flawed, crazy selves. We give ourselves to each other, with God's help.
Maybe the meaning of marriage is only found in living it. Thirteen years from now things may be clearer.
Nowadays, if some prophet tells me that I'm going to be with my husband when I'm 90, I'll certainly laugh. I cannot even imaging 63 years of marriage (much less my husband at 95!) But these days, I believe it could be a fun time.
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