contentment

"for I have learned to be content with whatever I have. I know what it is to have little and I know what it is to have plenty. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being well-fed and going hungry, of having plenty and being in need." Philippians 4:11b-12

I want to know the secret. I want to know how to be content. There is so much chaos in my life these days, I'm not sure I'd know contentment if it bit me. There is work chaos and the usual chaos of having six people in a house. There is financial chaos at work (dealing with a budget deficit) and at home (having gone from having two incomes to one). It seems like I spend most of my time trying to hold back the tide of overwhelm.

I am learning how to go without a great many things in my personal life. Things that were once a part of our regular routines, have become special treats. Things that I thought we had to have, are being put off.

I have managed to weather the cuts a work in staff in time. I have tried to approach all of these cuts with a practical mindedness and stoicism: it is what it is.

I thought I was doing fairly well until my computer crashed (curse you Vista!). This final privation was the proverbial straw. I was suddenly consumed with thoughts of all that I didn't have and couldn't do. I have awakened most mornings want to be somewhere, anywhere else, mentally, spiritually, physically....

When I find myself seeking escape from my life and vocation, I turn to Paul. While I disagree with him about a great many things, I always find him a source of encouragement. When I start asking myself, "What in the world are you doing and why?" Paul reminds me that the picture is bigger than the chaos I see now. Faith is trusting that God's grace really is sufficient and being satisfied.

Contentment is about finding satisfaction. My stoicism is not contentment; it is closer to resignation. Resignation is giving up, not finding satisfaction. When we are consumed by all the things we that we long for, satisfaction becomes increasingly hard to find. Reading Paul suggests that the secret to contentment lies in a willingness to live in the now.

When I am living in the future I am obsessed with what I want; when I am wandering around the past, I am grieving what I had and lost. In these states I cannot ever be satisfied with what I have now. Today: I have a job, my children are fed, my husband adores me, and we will make this month's mortgage. I even have access to a computer to write my blog. Now is not too bad.

I still hate Vista.